annette

Well, I am sick and tired of being in pain and tired!  My knee has been bothering me for months now and it hurts so bad at times that I cannot even sleep.  I know losing weight will help.  So, today I got up early and went and rejoined Weight Watchers and after that, I went to the pool and did the aquacise class.  I need to keep my motivation this time and not stray.  My dad is coming over today and he always likes to go out to eat (I inherited my love of food from him), so I am going to tell him that there are only two places I feel safe going right now and that would be Subway or Applebee’s.  I am sure he will be understanding because he knows I have battled my weight my whole life.  I just hope he is not disappointed because of plans he might have of eating elsewhere.  Anyway, I feel good and deterrmined today and I just want to keep it going everyday, so I need all the help I can get.  If anyone has any great tips or advice, send it my way.  I gotta do this!

I was writing an email to a friend and I thought what I was writing should be written as a post, so I can go back and read it later and see if I can find any help to my problem.  So, here goes…  I have a friend from high school who has told me that she would purge when she was in the Air Force and had to make weigh ins. I used to wish that I could purge, because I feel like I binge constantly. I make myself sick with how much I eat at times. I have been on a binging cycle for two months now and I am gaining weight. I just do not know how to stop it. It is like, when I start a diet, then I feel deprived, so I binge, then I can not get off it for a long time, then I cycle to just accept my weight, until I go back to a want to lose weight phase. I know how to lose weight. I have taken so many classes, been on so many diets, etc.. It is the emotional stuff that defeats me.
I know bulimia is a very serious disease and I know of all the consequences of purging, but the reason I do not do it is because I just can’t seem to make myself throw up. I am not a bulimic, because I am a coward!
I do not like where I am right now.  I hate what I do to myself.  I am emotionally killing myself!

Yesterday, I really screwed up.  Not only did I fall off the wagon and pig out, but I stopped journaling all my food, partly because I did not know how, but also because when I let loose, I do not even know portion sizes.  But, today I have climbed out of the gutter, dusted myself off, prayed I didn’t gain too much, and jumped right back onto my program.  I hope I can fight the feelings off next time I get the urge to pig out.  I need to learn what sets me off and how to stop it before I do harm.  Well, I am doing well so far today, so I will concentrate on that right now and make sure I do not give up on myself like I have done so often in the past.

Tonight when I weighed myself, I lost 6 more pounds, for a total of 13 pounds.  I am so excited about this!  I have gone off my eating plan two times (with pizza), but I made myself journal EVERYTHING I ate and drank, so I can be accountable for everything.  It is easy to journal my food on here, and it helps me so much.  I have been drinking a lot of water too, which is good for me, since I used to drink a lot of Mountain Dew.  I am really hyped up right now with my loss, so that will keep me going another week!  Thank you all for all the support you give me, either directly or indirectly, when I read your blogs.  Annette

Today was my first big screw up since I started this a week and a half ago.  I did not work today, so I could have taken the day to do something special and get out of the house, but NO, I stay inside all day and become depressed.  Then, to top it all off, I ordered Papa John’s Pizza and ate over half of a large pizza by myself, that would be more calories in one meal than I want to have all day!  I am so disgusted with myself.  But, I made myself put it in my food journal and I hope when I wake up in the morning I can have a better attitude and get my butt out of the house.  I feel pretty disgusted with myself right now.  One piece or maybe even two pieces of the pizza would have been enough to satisfy the urge…

I weighed in tonight, after 6 full days of my new eating plan, and I have lost 7 pounds!  This is my first week, so I know it is a big number because of that, but it just motivates me so much to know I can lose weight.  I am excited because of not only the difference on the scale, but the fact that I lasted 6 FULL days of eating sensibly and actually journaling all my food eaten.  I am ready for the next six days, six weeks, six months and all the time it takes for me to lose the rest of my excess baggage!

Today I received my 25 year high school reunion invitation!  I can not believe it has been that long.  I feel really old…but, mostly I feel really, really, really fat!  I was always overweight, my whole life.  I graduated high school overweight, at 160 pounds.  I wanted to go in the Army after graduation and I could not because I was 19 pounds over weight at my lowest weight and I could not seem to get rid of the measly 19 pounds.  In high school, I had a really tough time.  I was teased mercilessly ad called all kinds of names, including “Miss Piggy”.  Now I weigh over 100 pounds more than at my high school graduation, at 283 pounds.  My reunion is in 6 weeks and I don’t know if I can even face going to it.  I would hope that my ex-classmates would have matured some, and hopefully gained weight themselves, and would look past my weight and see me.  Well, my weight has always been a big part of who I am…oh dear, what do I do???

Well, I have made it through 3 days, including going to the movies and NOT buying pop and popcorn (that was tough for me)!  I do not know if I have lost any weight yet (am only going to weigh once per week), but I don’t feel as if I am starving at all.  I am kind of using the WW points sytem, but actually since I am journaling all my food on here, it is  becoming a 1200 calorie per day program.  Whatever works makes me happy.

I am at my utmost weight and SICK of it.  I have eaten so much today that I feel sick.  I am so depressed from many things right now, but one thing I could take control of is my weight.  If I can just get control of something, maybe I can pull myself out of this depression.  I have spent so much money on weight loss, that I want to do it for FREE this time.  Maybe just my own self motivation is what I need, rather than financial motivation. So, tomorrow, I am going to wake up and start a new day with a new weight loss adventure.